2011 Zombie Bait List

This Sunday will find me – after my due time spent in the spiritual reflection which I am sure to share on Monday …. Where was I? Oh yes, when all that is said and done, you can bet dollars to doughnuts (and may they be Krispy Kremes) that I can be found this Sunday night, popcorn in hand, husband at the ready with his “don’t look … look now” gestures as I sit positively glued to the opening season of The Walking Dead.

Yes, boys and girls, ladies and gentlemen, and everyone else, the Zombies are back! It is a glorious thing. I am agog with anticipation and giddy beyond words. The most authentic Southern accent in television or movies done by a non-southerner (a Brit, no less)[1], the most respectful depiction of Southerners since Walton’s Mountain, and positively some of the best social commentary all wrapped up in a shiny post-Apocalyptic bow will find its way to my TV screen this weekend. And no, AMC doesn’t pay me.[2]  I’m just this must of a geek for post-Apocalyptic fiction.  Hey, I’m at the age when I think my hormones are signs of the Apocalypse.

So, in honor of this momentous occasion, and Halloween, I decided to collaborate with the hubs and come up with another list (no this is not going to be permanent). Our top ten Zombie Bait list for 2011.

Now, there are two principles to Zombie bait. First, all living creatures serve some purpose in this complex world of ours. I realize that in the case of Zombies the “living” part is up to scientific debate, but really, in the greater scheme of things, surely don’t Zombies serve some purpose? I say yes, yes they do.  The way I see it, that purpose for Zombies is good, old fashioned social clean-up. In the natural world, scavenger animals clean up the debris left by predators and waste left by natural processes, so one can reasonably conclude that the Zombie’s share a similar social purpose. Secondly, if in the course of that social clean-up the Zombies get too distracted or just plain full to eat us good folk, well then, two social goods have been met at once. Zombies are fed and happy, and we’re safe from the Zombies and the people we fed to them. Win-win. (Yes, I’ve thought about this entirely too much. Remember, I’m unemployed so I have a good bit of free time.)

So, here is my and my husband’s list of Zombie Bait for 2011.

  1. Bernie Madoff.
    Oh, c’mon. The minute I mentioned the list he had to be the first name to cross your mind.     
  2. All investment leadership at Goldman Sachs.
    Let’s face it, when investment bankers what to tar and feather you before running you out of town, you’re pretty much the spawn of evil, and werbe, Zombie bait.        
  3. (Per the hubs). Boston Red Sox players who partied and drank beer during the game when they should have been in the dugout, leading to what ESPN calls the “Boston Red Sox collapse.” Some Bostonians would specify John Lackey and Terry Francona and co-chief Zombie Baits.
  4. The idiot who decided that anything written by Snookie should see the light of day.
  5. OJ Simpson. That may be a bit passé, but really, he needs to be on the list every year.
  6. My former boss, who I swear is the secret love child of Bernie Madoff and Leona Helmsley. You have to admit, you’ve probably had a boss you’d put on the list too.  Put yours here.
  7. Charlie Sheen? We weren’t sure, because we thought maybe he’d already turned zombie and that seemed to explain everything.
  8. Amy Winehouse’s drug dealer. However messed up she may have been, her music kicked butt and anyone who helped that talent go to rest too early can only help the world by being Zombie Bait. Oh heck, let’s just put the whole group of people who enable self-destruction for profit here. What the hay, right?
  9. People who use wheelchair accessible only spaces (especially the ones with the room on the side for wheelchairs) when they don’t really need them. This includes people who get the handicapped space placard from their doctors when they don’t really need it, and then use the spaces designed for wheelchairs. Yes, I’ve seen you, I know who you are. I’m the one pushing 150 pounds of wheelchair and little old lady on an upgrade in the rain from 100 feet down the lot. On behalf of all of us: zombie bait you deserve to be and zombie bait you shall be.
  10. The old man (aka “hubs”) wanted to put people who text and/or talk on the phone while in the passing lane. Like it’s so much better to do all that in the driving lane?? I got desperate, and he’s an okay guy, so I’m putting them here for him. By the way, for those who do this, and you know who you are, you know when that cop pulls you over because someone three miles back called the highway patrol on you? Yeah, that was me; I have Bluetooth.

Does anyone out there have any nominees for the Zombie Bait list of 2011? There are some rules: no naming of private figures (don’t give out the name of your ex-girlfriend or ex-husband, however horrible they may have been), and this is all in fun – so no obscenity. Mainly, these are people whose finest and perhaps only contribution to society will be making sure the Zombies don’t eat the rest of us, and the Zombies will, in turn, make sure these yo-yo’s don’t bother us anymore either.


[1] Andrew Lincoln

[2] Although I’ll let them if they want. Truly. I got student loans and a nasty knitting habit, people. I’m not proud.

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